I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
