I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Randomize
