like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
