god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
your room smells of hookers.
And success
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
