I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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