Swine flu is the new snow day.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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