you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Never underestimate the power of titties
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
