Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
All the doctor said was why
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
