if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
