So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
