My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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