I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I understand Curling. That high.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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