I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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