then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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