If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
