you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
