Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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