Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
