Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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