Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize