Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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