i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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