my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
