Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
