Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
