Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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