By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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