I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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