She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
