I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You ruined the universe
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
