There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
