Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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