My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
