eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
