what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
