Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
