I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
