id be glad to
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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