New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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