I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
God I need to hump something, right now.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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