You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
