i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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