I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
