I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
