Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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