he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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