just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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