he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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