I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
