i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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