We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
