I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
