I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
pray to the hookup gods
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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