Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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