then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
