8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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