I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
There's a naked man in my car right now.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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