I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
