The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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